HILARIOUS LETTER TO FUTURE KENYAN HUSBAND

 Dear Future Kenyan  Husband

I had vowed never to write you a letter but after the signing of the marriage bill,I could not hold on to my pledge.Kenyan men have proved to be polygamous in nature and are very proud of letting the world know.I know my man is not among them,he does not go with the crowd,he deeply cherish to have one woman till he dies.I won’t ask where you are or what you’ve been doing,(Hoping you ain’t flirting with chicks online,or having someone coming over your place for the holiday to be chipsfungwad or planing to go and pick a random chick from the club) because your answer would be the same as mine. Preparing your experiences, your stories, your quirks and flaws, to fall neatly in place with mine to make something beautiful.

So. How are you? I hope you’re having a nice day. My day so far has been okay. I don’t have to work today, sort of. I did have to attend a meeting for work, but that really only took an hour. And the rest of the day is mine to spend at my leisure, so that’s pretty nice.Then I thought of you(wish I had a clear vision of your physical appearance),the marriage bill-that I haven’t read only going with what the majority have analyzed(you are Kenyan,we don’t read anything we go by hearsays-remember the constitution.)

Even though it could be years before we meet, I wanted to tell you a few things..I begin by apologizing in advance as I will constantly hide your shirts so that you can walk around topless all the time, it might start to annoy you after while.( Hope you are working on the cubes at the gym -mwanaume ni effort na effort nikutafuta hizo cubes hata kama factory ya Rocyo itakumanufacture.)I need some nishike moments…The secret is with Sauti Sol,inquire from them how to have those abs.I don’t want to vuka boda to look for an husband yet you are here.Remember am also trying not to have wanjiru fevers(love handles) So that I can pour into the hour glass.Alcohol and sugar and dairy and meat are slowly making their way out of my life. Speaking of loving me, I want you to love my body. Not in a deeply s3xual way, that’s okay too.If you ever tell me that I should go to the gym, I’ll slap you.

You don’t have to buy me flowers to show your spontaneous streak, instead,don’t look at other women as we are walking along the streets.Let me not find you staring at Hudda and Sidika via your phone or whatever gadget,but look at the screen saver of me in your phone.(Hoping I dint use coercion to have me as your screen saver).Always tell me I dress better than the news anchors.Show me how you abhor their way of dressing.Instead of buying chocolates,write me a thrilling love letter full to the brim with beautiful, intricately crafted words that I will be completely and utterly in awe of,send it with a courier service and I will never ever,ever,ever,ever(Scholars are yet to determine how many ever’s here) think of another man because you will be everything I have wanted and more. In fact, I think you will be so much more than that, you will be the things I never even knew I wanted.

The marriage bill passed by law.Its brought mixed reaction.How do I even tell you how I feel about it? Anyway am not intimidated as other women are and I quote “The tone of that bill, if it becomes law, would be demeaning to women since it does not respect the principle of equality of spouses in the institution of marriage.” I have no problem as I have mastered the art of love and understood its language.I know you own the key to our relationship,but once you start the engine I take over from you.I am the one to say how far we go,which direction we take,where we stop and where we settled. Ahah! Stop giving me that look my Future.I told you I have the tools to simplify the bill-the marriage bill if you are wondering which bill am talking about.With the help of scholars have learn the women dominance strategies skills.Thats why I told you the bill did not shake me,and not only me,and other women too.We are spreading the skills to others who are ready to turn our theory into ideologies.I will not write about it here,as I believe action is eloquence.

I laugh a little too loudly sometimes and get really excited about things that confuse people, like random police woman in a tight skirt,an mps socks having a hole.You will have to stop and wait as I take pictures of all these things and you’ll have to keep waiting as I post them on Twitter, because that’s what I do.You don’t have to be on Twitter.You will have to take photos with me,alot of them,we both post on Facebook and instagram.The world needs to know we are happily married. Then never ever forget to like my facebook status no matter how boring it might be.When I say I love you on your wall you need to reply back.Love is expressed through facebook and twitter.Its 21st century.We will have conversations where I claim I’m a superhero. When you ask what my superpowers are, I’ll reply, “I’m armed with the power of matrix and can run away from any slap in milliseconds.(no man will ever slap your woman,she will do her matrix tricks.)” You need to find this endearing or it’ll be a really long life.

I’m very sensitive. This is now officially your problem. I’m pretty good at managing it on my own, but help is almost always appreciated. I accept help in the forms of listening, dinner made, dishes done, hugs given, back rubs offered,when we’re ready for children I promise that every name we chose will be something we both love.We don’t want our kids second names to betray them,right?

I am a restless sleeper and I wake up several times a night. I do not like to cuddle. Please get off me. If I’m cold, I do like to cuddle. Please come closer. You’re a smart man. You’ll figure it out. I can be impatient and terribly insensitive. If you interrupt me when I’m writing, I will ignore you. I will always judge your grammar and spelling, no matter how much I love you.(steer clear of words like xaxa,xema.Qwenda,Qam,xkuxkia-let this trend pass you behind). I will make dinner, but please stay out of my way when I’m cooking. Really, it’s for the best. Do you want to be in my way when I’m wielding sharp knives?

Finally,clubs,clubbing.This is so sensitive.I don’t know what to say ,how to say it.But I understand you are mature.You will figure out. I don’t open the door after 10.30pm.Then I love watching news and I love doing it with someone I love.You are Kenyan and you know we have news at 9pm every day.You are smart you will figure it out.The scholars will help you figure this out.

I was taught that patience is a virtue and great things come to those who wait.Although I have yet to lay eyes on you, I have faith that you are worth the wait.I know you groom well,your cologne suffuses the atmosphere and you leave many turning to follow your fragrance.You believe in God despite the many theories that He doesn’t exist yet you are not the type carried away with religion making you be irrational.I’ve been called a dreamer for believing that a man like you exists. I’ve been called unrealistic and impossible.I don’t believe that I am unrealistic for not settling for any old Johnny or Kennedy for that matter. I don’t believe you to be perfect, no one walking this earth is; however, I do believe that we will perfectly balance out one another.

Until we meet,
Your Future Wife

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